Style Conversational Week 1167: Make a difference!
The Invitational Empress shares the best of the compare-and contrast
contests
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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March 17, 2016
Happy Irish Cliche Day, everyone. Before we get to this week’s contest
and results, I wanted to share a song along this theme by the great,
hilarious a cappella group Da Vinci’s Notebook — which just happened to
feature 20-time Style Invitational Loser Paul Sabourin. It’s called“The
Irish Drinking Song.” And
do check out Da Vinci’s several albums, such as my favorite,
“Brontosaurus”
;
they’re full of brilliant parodies and other funny songs that hold up
amazing well after more than a decade even though they’re full of
topical humor.
*WE BEG YOU TO DIFFER: OUR WEEK 1167 CONTEST*
This week’s Style Invitational contest, Week 1167
, seems so daunting: How many ways /can /
someone compare — with humor — a pair of items from that list (even if
it’s one of the longer ones)?
The thing is, though, that we always have that fear when we do a Spit
the Difference/ Same Difference/ Etc. contest — and we’ve done so many
that Keeper of the Master Contest List Elden Carnahan has sorted them
onto their own page
—
but the combined wits of the Loser Community always make it work.
(Should combined wits be called Knit Wits?)
Here are some of the best compare-or-contrasts from the Invitational’s
history, starting back in 1996.
/From our first of these contests, Week 155, called Comparison Shopping: / *
Runner-up: The difference between a bowling ball and the devoted
followers of Pat Buchanan:*
*One tries to knock over white, red-necked things, and the other tries
to recruit them. *(Andy Glendinning)
*Winner: The difference between a bowling ball and the devoted followers
of Pat Buchanan: A bowling ball requires an opposable thumb.* (Chuck Smith)
The Czar liked the results (and ease of construction) of the contest so
much that he repeated it 14 weeks later:
Week 169:
How about this makes-you-think entry from Ted Weitzman, whose pseudonym
Paul Styrene was grandfathered in for a few years after The Post’s
no-pseudonyms rule came down:
*First Runner-Up: What is the difference between a chain saw and
Directory Assistance?
500.* (Paul Styrene)
Then again, Week 199: Here’s a wuz-robbed honorable mention:
*What is the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule and an
ethics lecture from Newt Gingrich?
The slide rule gives answers to three significant digits; the lecture
only requires one. * (Greg Arnold)
The winner of Week 276 (1998):
*What is the difference between the human navel and a 1998 VW Bug?
In the case of the navel, most people would rather have an innie.
In the case of the Bug, most people would rather have an Audi. *
(Russell Beland)
First runner-up from Week 402:
*The difference between intimations of mortality and performance anxiety:
With intimations of mortality, you’re concerned about going too soon.*
(Art Grinath)
First runner-up from Week 466 (2002):
*The difference between poetry by Yeats and a Wall Street Journal editorial:
Poetry by Yeats waxes allegorical, whereas a Wall Street Journal
editorial waxes Al Gore.* (Milo Sauer)
First runner-up from Week 563 (2004):
*The difference between the next Redskins season and Ivory Soap:
With the soap, at the end the owner will end up with a ring. * (Chuck Smith)
Honorable mention from Week 628, showing that we were plenty crude back
in 2005 as well:
*How the 400-meter dash is like Deep Throat’s throat:
Both have been the venue for many climactic finishes. * (Jeff Brechlin)
The winner of Week 697:
*The difference between a prescription for Levitra and a Mini Cooper
convertible:
You hope the prescription will keep women from saying, “Ooh, that little
thing is sooo cute.” *(Dave Komornik)
HM from Week 738:
*“American Gothic” and Lindsay Lohan’s handbag:
One represents the American Farm; the other, the American Pharm.* (Tom
Witte)
Winner of Week 821 (2009):
*A Buckingham Palace guard is like third base at Nationals Park:
Just stands there and watches visitor after visitor go by.* (Dan Ramish)
Winner of Week 883:
*The difference between a dental appointment and a Real Housewife of D.C.:
For one you use a phone to make it; the other uses a moan to fake it.*
(Craig Dykstra)
Winner of Week 934:
*The difference between a toilet brush and a tattoo of Joe Biden: One’s
a bristly Number Two tool; the other’s merely the depiction of one.*
(Rob Huffman)
Runner-up, Week 972:
*Beethoven: Roll over.
John Edwards: Heel.* (Brendan Beary)
Winner of Week 1022:
*The difference between a 23-year-old Geo Prizm and a vacation in
Pyongyang:
If you find yourself with a 23-year-old Geo Prizm, you chose the wrong
career.
If you find yourself on a vacation in Pyongyang, you chose the wrong
Korea*. (Mike Gips)
Winner of Week 1063:
*A Fleetwood Mac reunion vs. the Arizona legislature:
One will have you singing “Don’t Stop”; the other will have you
screaming, “Don’t! Stop!” *(Dave Letizia)
And the winner of our most recent of these contests, in which we used
items from the previous contests:
*A $4 haircut and the Redskins’ offensive line:
With one, three snips and you’re out; with the other, three snaps and
they’re out. *(Jaclyn Yamada)
And that, dear Loser Community, is why I have faith.
Note the various forms in which these jokes are presented. I’ll take any
of them, though I might end up condensing them to save space.
*DINE WITH THE LOSERS: SUNDAY AT NOON, BRION’S IN FAIRFAX*
I’ll be partaking of the buffet at Brion’s Grille
in Fairfax, Va., this palmy
Sunday at the Losers’ monthly brunch. Want to join us? Anyone is welcome
— Losers or just Invite fans. Witty repartee might or might not be on
tap; more likely it’s sitting, eating, chatting, eating, throwing the
occasional muffin ... RSVP to Elden Carnahan at NRARS.org, the Losers’
own website; click on “Our Social Engorgements.”
*LOSERCULTURE!!*
The Royal Consort and I have tickets for the April 2 matinee of“Cat on a
Hot Tin Roof”
at Round House Theatre in Bethesda, Md. — which happens to feature
14-time Loser Marni Penning as Mae, the sister-in-law, as well as some
ofD.C.’s best-known professional actors
.
The explosive Tennessee Williams classic runs March 30 through April 24;
we got discount tickets through Goldstar.com.
*READ THIS BACK FOR US*: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1163*
/*A non-inking headline by Brendan Beary/
This elegantly simple neologism contest — just spell a word or name
backward and define the result — once again produced a slew of entries,
many of them very good ones: The 40 entries that got ink today were
drawn from a shortlist of almost 200. The other 160 worthies might well
have included yours; I checked the names only on the entries I ended up
running. The inking entries this week provide a nice mix of topical and
timeless humor, of the very pithy and the less pithy.
There were surprisingly few cases — well, maybe not that surprisingly,
since you could use any word or name in existence — where I chose from
many definitions of a particular back-word. Some were so close I gave
credit to two writers; in others, I chose my favorite.
For REDYNS, however, I ran two entries with different approaches: First
Offender Francis O’Donnell made the best of several cases to use that as
the new team name for the Washington football team, while Todd DeLap’s
more personal dig against the beloved-nahhhht team owner earned him a
runner-up.
Brevity is often an asset in telling a joke, especially in a contest for
witticisms. Francis’s somewhat lengthy entry didn’t feel too long to me
because it was broken up into several short elements. This one, on the
other hand, did: “REDYNS. adjective, being deliberately dismissive of or
completely oblivious to public perceptions of one’s words or actions on
multiple occasions or in multiple circumstances; being repeatedly
scornful of most concepts of common decency.” Or this one for KNUBED:
“adj., vb. condition of a false statement or outright lie that becomes
generally accepted as true after being conclusively refuted due to
continual repetition; to so entrench that false statement as popular
belief through repetition.” Sposta be a joke, not a legal contract.
Another drawback to some entries were back-words that were close to
impossible to read, or at least didn’t look like words: ELBATALUCRIC,
GNIMRAWLABOLG. While you can of course patiently read it backward, you
can’t really read it forward, let along grasp the joke.
But so many entries were very fine. I wouldn’t be surprised if some got
ink this December in our annual retrospective contest, which invites you
to enter or reenter any of the previous year’s contests.
It’s the first Inkin’ Memorial but the fifth ink “above the fold” among
31 blots for writer-editor Ellen Ryan; Her word QARI was used in an
earlier backward-words contest — alas, Iraq has been in the news a long
time — but she had a fresh new definition. I’ve met Ellen a number of
times at Loser events, but hadn’t realized until recently (or had
forgotten) that she’s the sister-in-law of Ubiquitous Loser Jeff
Contompasis.
Todd DeLap, who didn’t start Inviting till Week 1039, grabs Ink No. 58,
his third above the fold (along with the “Wanna Rub My Butt” barbecue
apron. Jesse Frankovich — who got his first ink many years ago but only
recently returned by storm, with ink almost every week — blots up Inks
39 and 40 and his choice of mug or Loser T-shirt. And Kevin Dopart, blah
blah.
*ELBAT NIRPNU!: Martian warning meaning “don’t read these if you have
any taste”*
Many unprintables this week, even if spelling them backward makes them
a/little/ more subtle. (Not enough.) I won’t use all caps so they don’t
unduly call attention to themselves.
Remotsuc: Important part of phone sex company business plan. (Jeff
Brechlin)
Noparts: Anatomical problem-solver. (Ivars Kuskevics)
Sir Otilc: Forgotten Knight of the Round Table was a popular ladies’ man
who found many a “Holy Grail.” (Jeff Shirley)
Smutorcs: Per Tolkien, shriveled and hairy things that throb excitedly
after watching porn. (Jerry Pohl)
Lana: You know that girl; she’s the one who’s up for anything. (Craig
Dykstra)
Sucum: To die with a mouthful. (Diane Wah)
Redic: To get back in-… (Tom Witte)
Suna: The lowest social caste, also known as “the unshinables.” (Tom Witte)
Tom also enclosed an entry that I couldn’t even bring myself to list
here. When I post this column on the Style Invitational Devotees
Page on Facebook, I’ll include it in the thread
of comments.
See you Sunday!